I take my education very seriously. It is because of this that I am a college dropout. It is also because of this that I am now, almost ten years later, eager to enter a university environment once again. There are a number of reasons that I chose to leave the world of formal education behind. Chief among them was a dissatisfaction with the curriculum that was available. The Integral program at Fielding Graduate University represents a light at the end of this tunnel.

Throughout my childhood I was a voracious learner. I entered the 'why?' stage and almost never left, almost. Eventually, my experiences in high school and college led me to stop wanting to seek answers. It did not seem as if anyone even wanted to help me ask the right questions. In the schools I attended the connections between classes were rarely, if ever made; never mind the vast majority of the connections between the curriculum and the life that we were expecting to live. There was never a framework in which to hold our education. All of the 'knowledge' was shockingly free from meaning, context, and especially wisdom

In history class we were taught to memorize facts of war and ownership and told that the past will repeat itself. War is inevitable seemed to be one of the messages, while the developmental unfolding of human consciousness was hardly considered. My refusal to perform tasks such as writing down, in order, the presidents and when they were in office was not fully appreciated, nor were my demands that I be taught concepts in lieu of memorizing trivia. In my junior year Advanced Math class I obtained the principal's approval to sleep in the back of the class as long as I maintained an A average. I simply explained that the teacher was only putting the book on the chalkboard, and I can read books. The school's only solution was to offer me a room by myself, a different book, and an opportunity to teach the class once a week. I was desperate for challenging interaction and an exploration of meaning yet an isolating pursuit of more 'facts' was all I was offered.

By my senior year my principal had secured me an independent study to allow me to learn and teach the school's music instructor about MIDI (Musical Instrument Digital Interface); a fairly new technology at the time. We also had our first ever semester of Music Theory. He made great efforts to accommodate me in my dissatisfaction with standard curriculum, and is to partially to thank for my initial attempts at college.

I left for college hopeful that I would find mentors and be challenged and inspired by my fellow students. I chose the University of Massachusetts at Lowell because it had the second highest ranked program in Sound Recording Technology in the country. After one semester it became clear to me that, while the training may have taught me how to record and play music, it would have left me with nothing to say.

I then chose UMass Amherst because it was a large, inexpensive school with many options. I wanted to test the academic waters a bit. Throughout three semesters I studied Philosophy, English, and Sociology. I found myself surrounded by people who did not want to learn. The environment was one of get in, get out, and try not to change. I seemed to be of the few, rare students eager to experience transformation and have my ideas challenged and torn apart.

I take full responsibility for choosing the wrong schools. I probably should have attended an Antioch, Oberlin, Naropa or some other school of this ilk. I did not have the courage at the time and I was ignorant of my options. I truly did not have any idea what these schools were doing. In the end, I do not know whether or not it would have made a difference.

Throughout school it became increasingly clear to me that the information that I was being fed was making me lose my faith in humanity. A depression had been setting in for years that, despite others input, I decided was due in large part to my education. I went from someone who earned A's in advanced placement classes in high school to someone who didn't have the stomach to show up in a Philosophy class where I was faced with a curriculum that seemed to say little more than, 'if you look at something close enough...you will have no way of knowing what it is you are looking at'. An object view of Deconstruction was not within my professors bag of tricks. I wasn't fully aware of the term myself, but was well aware that the analysis I was presented was incomplete.

I decided to take control of the information that entered my mind and the values that were assigned to it. I also decided that if I were to drop out of school it would be with the understanding that I would self-educate. I threw away my television and started in many ways, some subtle, and others not so subtle, leading two lives. During the day I work, and in any and all spare moments I am learning, growing, changing, creating, meditating, and contemplating the gap.

I am done leading two lives. I am closing the gap. This does not mean that I need to be paid for art, meditation, or study. It does mean that the knowledge and the wisdom gained by such pursuits will be valuable and applicable to how I spend my time throughout the day. I believe that part of achieving this will involve facilitating others to do the same with their lives. I believe this is one of the most important tasks that society must face if it is to continue.

The gap that I am describing is one of purpose, one of meaning. The world teeters on a narrow path with glorious communion straight ahead and chaos on all sides. I feel that the steps that must be taken at the global level must first be addressed in our individual lives. The level of each individual human's consciousness must transform in order for the correct steps to be chosen on the international level. Healing the schism that so many feel in their own lives is what the rest of the world needs in order to deal with the current world crisis/potential. Lives of quiet desperation can only continue for so long.

The simple truth is that I no longer live a life of lack. The transformations that I have already made in the way I live my life and, more importantly, in my internal value and information systems have created a fullness. I am no longer motivated by need or fear. I am still eager for change, but mostly I am eager to give. I am convinced of the potency of Integral Theory to have a positive impact on the Kosmos. I am not yet sure whether I can better serve as an employee of I-I or as an Integrally informed leader in another education or business environment. My inclination is that there is room for both.

I have spent a great deal of time in large, corporate environments and working for and with small start up businesses. I have become intimate with many of the ways that important decisions are and are not made. I know all to well the direction and lack of direction that many institutions allow to fall haphazardly into place. I do not question the decency of those who make these decisions. I whole-heartedly believe that, given the necessary tools, most would choose a path of greater good.

I recognize that Integral Theory will help provide me with the skillful means to deal with people at a wide array of developmental stages. I want to better relate, accept, understand and foster the growth of all of those whom I meet.

There are enormous gains to be had by increasing the consciousness of our leaders. I feel that creating conscious business is an essential step to creating a more compassionate and supportive world. I would like to help restructure businesses by giving people the framework to consider how all aspects of life can be congruent with a work environment while increasing efficiency and profitability. I believe it is crucial to create spaces that foster creativity, vulnerability and honesty. With the support of an integrally informed community I have little doubt that this can be accomplished.